I ran home from work today, having carted my running gear with me on the bus in the morning. The voice in my head who loves to criticize, provide an abundance of unwanted and lame excuses, and otherwise find ways of making life miserable was not going to make it easy though.
“You forgot to bring your running shoes, you idiot! Now you can’t run home like you said you would.” (How that little bastard likes to criticize).
“I have good walking shoes on; they’ll do.”
“No they won’t! Are you crazy? You could hurt yourself.”
“Bullshit. You’re just making stupid excuses. So suck it up because I’m running! The shoes will be just fine.”
Thankfully, silence ensued… for a while.
Off I went, leaving my work clothes, umbrella and lunch container in my desk drawer; I’m going to have to figure out which day to pack home all the stuff, but that’s the least of my worries.
It turns out, the damn voice wasn’t finished with me yet, enjoying giving me a good heckling as I ran. It’s never is finished with me it seems; we’ve known each other far too long.
“Oh, you’re too tired for this. You should stop and walk. Maybe just catch the bus. Come on; you ran yesterday so you deserve a break”
“Um, I’ve been on my ass all day at a computer. How can I be tired?”
Ignoring my question, and realizing a different tack was needed, it went into criticize mode. “But you’re so slow!”
“Slow is better than not running.”
“Barely” (oh the sarcasm!).
With all its contempt, excuses and bloody whining, the voice and I continue to have ongoing conversations about exercise, mostly not out loud. I’ve been hard on myself lately and so the voice thinks it has some leeway. Sometimes, like today, I defy it just to show it I can; no creaky knee, windy weather, wrong shoes kind of excuses stopped me, and I had the right to pat myself on the back afterwards. And thankfully the little bastard begrudgingly said, “Good job” in spite of itself.
I need to reprogram the little shit before hedrives me mad, but only if I can catch him; he thinks I’m too slow.