“I just really love food,” and other lies I tell myself


Michelle

“Oh, I don’t really emotionally eat; it’s not something I do. I just happen to really love the taste of food, that’s all.” This falls into the realm of ‘stupid lies I’ve told myself and others about me,’ also known as denial. It’s the ‘I only have a couple of beers a day to relax!’ kind of alcoholic denial. And it’s bullshit.

Yes, I emotionally eat. It’s an issue I’m only just starting to really come to terms with. I’m not talking about binge eating. I’m talking about the ‘couple of beers a day’ kind of emotional eating, where I think that because I only sometimes eat a bit more than I need to that it’s okay. Even though sometimes all I can think about is food.

Sometimes food is barely an issue; merely the background music of a fun get-together. In other social situations though, I park my ass as close to or as far away from the food as possible depending on whether I’m trying to eat it or avoid it. Much of the rest of the event is not a lovely evening with friends or family; it’s a struggle to not succumb. Sometimes I have the stubborn willpower of a fucking tank and leave exhausted but triumphant. Sometimes not, regardless of whether I’m hungry; even if I’m full. Yes there are some helpful tools out there, including reminding myself ‘it’s not part of the plan’ (read the Beck Diet Solution) and remembering that food is fuel. That’s absolutely true. But at the very core – at the root of it – that root is going to have to eventually be weeded out if I want to fully live life and stop letting food rule me.

I started reading “Women, Food & God” recently (again). So far, it’s pretty clear that actually feeling my feelings is on my self-discovery “to do” list. Fuck!  In the book, Geneen Roth claims that “… being with feelings is not the same as drowning in them”. Easy to say; hard to believe. I also recently started talking to a life coach about, well, life. She sent me a link to an audio file here. Apparently thoughts cause feelings; change our thoughts, change our feelings. Question what I’m thinking and feeling. Eat when I’m hungry, feel when I’m not.

So, my look of concentration next time someone sees me at a friendly gathering may be trying to figure out what I’m feeling (or why the hell I’m there) rather than on eating or not eating.  And maybe that by admitting it to myself (and others), it helps release the stronghold it can have.


One response to ““I just really love food,” and other lies I tell myself”

  1. This is a real hard one for me, too… OMG this tastes SO good – should I have another? NO! or.. munch munch munch – I’m “insert emotion” … It’s really hard to get over, but… GET OVER IT I WILL!! (channeling Yoda)

    I am also on Medicinal Cannabis and that makes me munchie eat – so I keep celery and carrots on hand for OMG this is the best EVER!!!