One of the biggest changes that happened to me over the course of becoming Jenn 2.0 has been how well I know myself. Before I made the change, I was in excuse-making mode. In my head, I was always doing as well as I could, trying as hard as I could try, but obviously I just wasn’t capable of doing what it takes to change my life and lifestyle the way I needed to. How I came to realize that wasn’t the case might make you laugh.
I realized it from watching an episode of Dr. Phil.
You may commence laughing now.
I know, he’s full of pithy homespun wisdom and y’alls. But it’s funny, what he was saying that time happened to be something that made sense to me.
He said to a woman, “You’re not expecting enough from yourself.” When he said that, I realized he was absolutely right, and that it applied to me. I was living my life in cruising gear. I had conditioned myself to accept mediocrity without question.
I thought about being 90 someday. I thought, if I don’t change anything, when I’m 90 and I look back on my life, what will I think of it? And I realized that I would feel regret. I would think about 37 year old Jenn, and wonder why I gave up. At 90, looking at Jenn at 37, and 40, and 45, and 50, I would wonder what I could have looked like, what I could have done. I would wonder why I thought 37 was too late, why I thought I was too old to change (at 37!!), why I figured my best days were behind me, and why I spent my life only half alive. And at 90, I couldn’t change it. At 90, I would feel regret.
And then I thought, I’m not 90 years old. I’m 37.
I have time now.
I have time to live my life at 100% effort. I have time to see how strong I can be. I have time to see what I look like in a bikini, to dance, to run and bike and climb and do whatever I want to do. To live my life in a way that I will look back and think “Well done, Jenn. Well done.”
I decided that I won’t live the rest of my life at half-effort, and regret it at the end when it’s too late.
Today, most times I don’t leave the gym until I’m lying on the floor soaked in sweat and barely moving. If I have anything left, I do more. I give everything. If I’m sick or injured, I give myself some slack and treat myself with kindness, but won’t use it as an excuse. That’s the difference between Now Me and Before Me. I give everything I have, and not only at the gym, but in the rest of my life too.
I won’t die someday never knowing what I could have been if I’d only really tried. I won’t live, or die, with regret. I’m 41 years old. And I’m the most kick-ass 41 year old I can possibly be. I’m the me I want to be.